My Gram passed away on Saturday morning and I left to London on the red-eye flight on Sunday night so I arrived early Monday morning. It was a busy, productive and sad time for all of us. For the first few days, we were all so busy preparing and getting ready for the funeral. These times were filled with laughter and tears, an impromptu "game night" to release some stress and lots of good food and alcohol. My cousin/sista and I decided to give Gram's eulogy so we took some time to ourselves to reflect and write a beautiful tribute to her as well as help write the obituary that went in the newspapers.
Why do I tell you all of this??
Because I knew that it was important for me to completely step into this space and time in my life...to laugh, cry, accept and simply JUST BE. If I didn't, I knew that all of these feelings would come rushing back to me and it just wouldn't be a good situation. You see, this has been one of the times in my life that I have fearing since I was 9 YEARS OLD. I can remember crying in my bed as a young girl, dreading the day that I lost my Grandparents. And here we are. The time had come and I was so freaking scared to get on that plane. I almost felt like all of the mindful and intentional work that I had been doing had brought me to this place. I knew that I had to FULLY and COMPLETELY step into my grief and sadness and let those feelings just surround me. But I also let the joy and happiness of being with my family help me work through my feelings all week.
When Friday morning rolled around and I got into the Uber that took me to the airport, my heart felt so damn heavy. I didn't want to leave because I knew that meant back to reality and the shocking fact that when I thought of her, she was no longer with us. I felt the same thing when I unpacked my suitcase yesterday... I put it off for 24 hours and then couldn't anymore. I cried as I took out the clothes I wore to her funeral and smiled when I looked at the cardinals I brought home that used to be on her window sill. Now they perch on my shelf to remind me of my sweet Gram.
Funny thing about cardinals...when you see one, it is a representation of a loved one who has passed and they are visiting you. They show up when you need them the most or miss them. They make an appearance during times of despair or celebration to let you know they will always be with you. Look for them and you will find them. I find it no coincidence whatsoever that Gram had about five or six cardinals on her window sill and now they belong to her grandchildren. I know you are always with us, Gram. I love you so. <3
